Tough Day – Half Full

05 Oct

If you missed my emotional Snapchat from Monday I found out JLo IS pregnant but Dr Raja said just one, possibly two puppies. Here are her X-rays

I’ve had time to get my mind around this. I watched my video a few times and alternate between feeling sorry for myself and cringing with embarrassment. I have come to realize that this is probably not the worst thing that is going to happen to me and (if I’m lucky) life will go on.

The reason I didn’t follow my husbands advice to ‘own and control my own brand’ and delete the video is ultimately because I like that I share so much with my families because it is REAL LIFE. I care a lot about my puppies and I feel incredibly loyal to the people that have trusted me as the means to add to their family. That is special and I recognize that.

Just to give some background, I started my Monday at 4:30am because Fergie woke me up to go potty. Middle of the night or early morning potty needs are a good sign of pregnancy so those moments are actually ones that I jump out of bed excited to be woken up and let them out. I get SO excited that I usually have a hard time settling back to sleep. And when I can’t sleep I go for the iPhone. Ugh! The first thing I saw was multiple stories about the shooting in Las Vegas. Obviously heartbreaking. I hate to admit this but being at a place where there is a mass shooting like this is a fear that I have and I hate it. My husband wants to go to see a popular movie like Star Wars the night it comes out and all I can think of is this is the environment some person looking to harm others is going to take advantage of. I spend the entire movie focusing on who is coming in and out of the theater. Needless to say my mind was racing and I didn’t get back to sleep.

My next excuse, if you will, is that my stepson has so generously shared his cold with me and I’m in the beginning phase where you want to try and power through and you aren’t going to admit you feel like crap ….but you really feel like crap.

I started my workday early (sick, can’t sleep) and around 9am was taking a break checking Facebook and I saw this update from another breeder. I’m removing her name of course…

I don’t know this person and I know how wrong it is to judge but it is so upsetting to me when people make the choice to breed their dogs and then don’t stay with them when they have puppies. This breeder lost 5 lives that she was responsible for because she had to go “in town” and shop for a wedding???? My brother in law got married on Friday, July 7th of this year. My in-laws flew out from NY, my husband was the best man and my stepson was also in the wedding as well. I told my BIL and his fiancé that I could either miss the wedding or the reception because, while I did hire a sitter to be here, I still didn’t want to leave my puppies for very long ….and they were born May 31st so they were definitely not newborns!!

So now I’ve got that on my mind. What a bad day.

I made the decision to do the X-ray on Monday instead of Tuesday because I was having a bad day and was looking forward to something positive but boy was I wrong. I felt angry and hurt that I let people down. And I felt scared that people were going to either think that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing or after Beyoncé’s cyst issue with the two small litters that something is wrong with my dogs. 

The truth is that I don’t always know what I’m doing but I will ask questions and I pay a small fortune to have testing done whenever I can to try and reduce all of the second guessing and all around torturing myself that I just KNOW I’m going to do. I took JLo for progesterone on

July 31

And since she wasn’t ready we did it again August 4th

And again August 8th

I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance! I even had Jay Z’s semen collected and examined in September 2016 so I had plenty of time to find a new stud if there were any concerns on his end

I got JLo and Jay Z together on August 8th, 10th and just in case she was taking a little longer to release those eggs again on August 14th. We did a natural breeding and sperm can live inside the female for up to SEVEN days! I just cannot think of anything I could have done differently.

The truth is, as silly as it sounds, I think we sometimes forget what a miracle this is! I admitted (again – embarrassing) in my emotion filled Snapchat video that my husband and I tried to get pregnant a few years ago and were not successful. We paid thousands of dollars, went to lots of appointments, I did ovulation testing and ultrasounds and had to give myself hormone shots that made me gain weight and a whole bunch of other not so awesome stuff and the results were….nothing.  So I’m sure this breeder’s post this morning also brought back those feelings of – everyone is so casual about their pregnancy when I’m trying with my heart and sole and all of my savings and it is STILL not happening and frankly that SUCKS!

So I did say HALF FULL in the title so let’s get there – tout de suite! I am very grateful that the pregnancy even happened with JLo. We had a deposit for a puppy with a breeder before Shakira was born and it turned out to be a phantom pregnancy. Google that, “phantom pregnancy” – the dog gains weight and her nipples develop and everything seems be progressing with pregnancy but she is not actually pregnant. I would also think this will be a nice easy labor for JLo and I’m incredibly grateful for that! Beyoncé’s two small litters were fast and easy and I definitely want that for her. I had thought having a JLo and a Fergie litter so close might prepare me for the larger size litters that Mariah, Adele and Gaga might have but maybe there is something else coming up that will require my attention? As I tell my anxious families worried about the selection process – it all seems to work out in the end and I will just have to take my own advice. I’m also so very grateful to the people that have trusted me to help add to their families. Thank you!

I did get text messages from both families on the waitlist and families that already have a puppy and those kind messages meant A LOT. Thank you!

I’ve been monitoring JLo’s temperature because there is usually a drop about 24 hours prior to puppies. There is always the chance that she released her eggs late in the cycle which means we were early to X-ray. I’ll keep everyone posted!